We all categorize! We all judge! We all make assumptions! This is just one of those, where I am making a categorization to make sense of the things and people that in part influenced me. I am sharing one such judgment I’ve made. And welcome everyone to share their own associations as I associate them to the 6 basic human needs.
But let’s first look at what is my current definition of communication. Would like to think that it is our basis of learned and observed ways how we talk, express, see, react, and even interpret each other and ourselves. Because we all do talk to ourselves in many unique ways! A talk (whether spoken or not) is ultimately the way how we connect. That is the true essence of communication. It’s the only way to connect. In order to inform, to make a request, to reflect, to share – passions, experiences/lessons. We all have to make some type of connection and that’s through communication whether it’s spoken language, body language, sign language, and emotional language. That connection takes many different forms as well, but we connect to get information across to each other, we connect to support others, and we connect even to dominate/control our and others’ actions. Connections may take many different forms. And how we talk, may change at times from normal circumstances versus perhaps under stress, situations of joy, maybe while under duress, or moments of excitement. These are the modalities of talk. They take on different tones and connotations with our emotions.
But what are these modalities I am speaking of? I have been trying to put some thought lately into this as I have been on a journey for deeper understanding and I have broken it down (from my perspective) into three categories: Authority, Love/Care, and Trust/Distrust and how they can relate to the basic human needs. Bear with me here…
Some people tend to speak from authority because it is required for the job (a Manager, Parent, Expert/Specialist, etc). Some communicate with the certainty of the knowledge they possess. Sometimes the knowledge can be gained and not verified but as long as it was accepted as true it now becomes a certainty. A parent, talking to a child about why they should not play with a knife is based on the parent knowing that if the child is not careful, they will get hurt. That’s no different if speaking with a contractor who has been working on custom cabinets with 6+ years of experience and asking for quotes on options for cabinetry. You expect them to advise you based on the expertise they have. The certainty of their experience allows them to give suggestions that inform you on options and the cost of that cabinetry without actually doing the job. The same is true from the perspective of significance, which is based on the sense to be needed, wanted, or feeling important. Someone may connect by seeking reliance on their knowledge because that act gives them importance in the fact they are needed. Now, this need may sometimes go to extremes where the person will lie to maintain that type of connection. Authority modality can come from two of the 6 Human Needs(6HN): Certainty and Significance.
When speaking from love, or call it, care, this is from the perspective of giving space to be heard or making you feel heard because they pay you all the attention in the world, and it’s mutually appreciated/felt. Love/Care speak is not concerned about being right, or wrong. The parent educating the child about the knife could be love/care because at its root the parent cares about the well-being of the child it would fall under this modality. But it doesn’t. Because the instructions to the child were based on the parent’s knowledge or certainty that hurt would follow. The certainty was based on fear which starts the communication from the parent being right about that fact. It can also dictate the way that communication is expressed because of the fear or timing of the situation. The intention started from the basis of fear! At its highest level, love/care would have to be solely about the realities, and experiences of the person without judgment, assumptions, or despite of fear. For example, a teacher/trainer would typically be speaking from the position of authority but when the teacher allows the student to challenge that knowledge and not condone it, it elevates that exchange to the love/care modality. It becomes an equal exchange and transfer of knowledge. Both parties then experience a gain and appreciation. Love/Care modality can come from two 6HN: Love/Connection, Contribution, and even Growth.
Then there are the trust/distrust speakers that talk from the stance of I will give or share only a little because I don’t know you, or I don’t want to share too much too soon or want in exchange for something. These speakers can be easily confused with love/care but the distinction is the uncertainty of the persons’ reality (their circumstances, socioeconomics, values, ethics, mental state, etc) and a sense to withhold some of that exchange/talk. Which can also be steep in fear about that person’s reality (rational or not). This can clearly be seen in social situations where one person does not know another and keep conversations at the surface level. And as that conversation progresses then modalities may change. The same can be true for an employee, employer relationship. The employer evaluates an employee and decides that during a project, this employee did not perform as they usually do, at the high standard they have come to expect. This starts the assumptions of why the employee’s performance is declining and a discussion ensues by asking “why did you…?”. There’s nothing wrong with that exchange, but the question leans on the uncertainty of the employee’s circumstances. Moreover, this type of communication can be authentically given, without wanting anything in some cases. Especially when the person, in question, is yourself! In our self-talk, we tend to start with negative comments. Or we may start with ‘why did I do that?’ The question itself is not necessarily negative but can result in negative responses that blame the shortcomings or failures. That Trust/Distrust modality can come from 6HN: Primarily Uncertainty. Significance may play a part but it can also come from the paradoxical nature of Certainty and Uncertainty.
Regardless of modalities, regardless of emotion or situation, this effort to connect seems to flow between one or two of the modalities. But everyone appears to have a primary modality. Even if that connection is in anger or fear. In order for someone to know you are angry, it has to be expressed in some form. Fear is a very complex case that presents itself in many different ways and it can be a part of all the modalities. Modalities are not good or bad or necessarily have a singular consequence, but they do impact connections, and how we maintain some and lose some. Negative or good intentions may play a part in how we communicate, like to be communicated to and bond with different people in many areas of our lives.
I started exploring this concept with how my exchanges or experience with my parents growing up impacted me and the associations I surmised above came from that. Below is a snippet of that.
To this day I believe my mom is primarily a communicator in love. When she asked for help baking cakes it was never a command, it was phrased as an invitation to help her if you had time. And let’s face it between the ages of 12- 16 all I had was time. When we (my siblings and I) shared anything with her, it was never about judging us it was more about how did you feel about that. Or what do you think you could have done differently? [Love modality]. She was when I think about it, my first professional life coach! But she also exercised modalities of Trust/Distrust and Authority. I recall whenever she was in an uncomfortable situation she wouldn’t shut down, but instead, withhold talking too much and be polite and excuse herself. [Trust/Distrust modality]. Or when it came to baking! Watch out if you tried to change the recipe! A spatula would reach the back of your head so fast you would swear she was a magician. [Authority modality]. Extreme method of communication, I know, but effective (and an over-exaggeration of what happened)! At a very early age, she showed me that when you care deeply you will find a way. Her exact words to this day ring in my ear like she is telling it to me again like it is the first time, “Where there is a will, there is a way”. She’s that person that would give you the shirt of her back in the pouring rain if it meant it kept you warm and her cold. Now being raised Catholic Christian in the Caribbean, this was ingrained into us early on the basis that God puts us on a path, sometimes not easy, but that path had a way thru, no matter what.
In contrast to my dad, he was a communicator in trust/distrust, and authority. He was harder to determine because he also used love and authority as a modality. I say that because he commanded a certain amount of gravitas and certainty when he spoke. He had the certainty of what he was saying regardless of how absurd it was when in hindsight you discovered or later learn he was just telling a ‘story’ to get you to take action.[Trust modality]. He would tell you what he wanted sometimes vaguely and if you delivered, only then did you gain favor with him. But as I discovered the strange thing was he would tell you what he wanted but it was a test, a test to gain his trust, a test to determine if you could do what he asked without failing him by doing it poorly, too fast, or whatever condition he was gauging which you had no clue of what it was. [Trust/Distrust modality]. That’s not to say he did not speak with love; he just expressed it differently. Like when we went on vacation in Puerto Rico, he would be engaged with us and find out without directly asking us what we want to do. Or share the story of how he met this or that person to help him grow his business and how that related to us growing up.[Love modality]. ‘Treat people the same way you would like to be treated,’ was his motto. A motto he shared, but violated! The age-old do as I say not as I do paradox [Authority modality]. The hidden intent behind his communication sometimes made it difficult to really connect and understand him. But once you passed the test or fulfilled that ‘side agenda’, you gained his favor until you otherwise failed him twice! [Trust/Distrust modality] And he too would give you his shirt off his back; once he made sure his kids were ok first!
So why am I so intrigued by modalities of communication? Why should you care? Well, when I first wrote this (this is draft no.6) I was looking for a way to identify connecting and how we connect especially as it relates to employee training and life coaching. How the flow happens subconsciously without effort and then consciously how we reflect on those connections. So I identified these modalities and how the switch at times between modalities occurs. This journey of understanding my parents was the start while taking different personality tests (INTP-Briggs Myers), Formalist C-DISC, Defender-16 Personalities, and Type 6-Enneagram), apparently, it’s in my DNA. Training to be a Strategic Intervention Coach myself, working as an Onboarding Specialist within an IT firm, being coached, attending seminars, reading self-help books, and trying to better understand my why and people it dawns on me; that even within myself I started with a modality of love then slowly switched to trust/distrust in my inner self-talk.
So, I am starting with myself, to be more conscious of this self-talk. I am leaning heavily on love again. This has allowed me to give myself the space to acknowledge what I am feeling emotional and not dismiss/forget/bury the emotion. Then give me the space to understand the why behind it and connect much deeper than I have in the past. Case in point sharing this via social media.
I am curious about what you think your primary modality is or what about other people around you maybe?
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